Vampire Guide

The world is obsessed with vampires right now, it’s actually obsessed with the all the undead, and everything that feeds on the living. Charming isn’t it? So rather than fight the system, I’m going to take up arms with it, and provide you with a simple list of what to stake, and what not to stake.

Best vampire TV SHOW -don’t stake

Angel

I know this choice is going to have Buffy fans throwing holy water in my direction, but once Angel hit its stride it was clearly a better show and Joss Whedon was at his writing best. I miss you!

Best vampire FILM -don’t stake

Let The Right One In (Swedish version)

This film is amazing. It’s not like any other vampire film you’ve ever seen, and probably features the best performance by two kids I’ve ever witnessed. I was left thinking about this film for weeks after it, I couldn’t get it out of my head. See it, now. -P.S, the American version isn’t so bad either.

Best vampire CHARACTER -don’t stake

This one’s tough, my personal favourite would be Spike from both Buffy and Angel, he is equally useless as he is funny. But I also like Eric from True Blood, he’s not as tragically romantic as Bill is, and he is one super tough vampire. Let’s call it a vampire tie. Someone get Bill a tissue already.

The WORST vampires -stake

Twilight (all of them)

Any vampire that ‘sparkles’ in the sun instead of burning to a crisp is not a real vampire, you are dead and you feed on blood, this ain’t the Mardi Gras parade! But they do hold one secret weapon: when they speak their dialogue can actually kill you, or burn your ears, or simply act as a cure for insomnia.

Best vampire BAND -don’t stake

Vampire Weekend

So technically these guys aren’t actually vampires, but hey, they play cool music and have vampire in their name. And I needed another category here.

Worst vampire CLOTHES -stake

Blade

Looks like he stole his trenchcoat from the set of The Matrix, please return it, now.

Best vampire TITLE -don’t stake/stake

Lesbian Vampire Killers

My question is, where are all the lesbians in this movie? Great title, terrible film.

TIGHTEST vampire outfit -don’t stake

Kate Beckinsale (Underworld series)

I’m surprised Kate could breathe in that outfit, or move, without ripping it. Although, that’s not a half bad decent thought. Kate was on an oxygen diet during filming, and she still cut back on that too.

The CHEESE Award -stake

Van Helsing

Oh god bless Hollywood when they think of a good idea and then TOTALLY FUCK IT UP! I give you, Van Helsing, what a mess.

HOTTEST vampire cast -don’t stake

The Vampire Diaries: It’s the same channel that produces Smallville, so of course you’d expect style over substance, and this oozes style, but features more CW style teen soap opera ‘she stole my boyfriend’ drama then one could poke a stake out. Still, if you watch it on mute it’s mildly entertaining.

So now you have a start, although by the time I finish writing this everyone has probably moved onto something else already, vampires will be suddenly uncool, zombies will be on the way out, and we’ll be watching movies about teen singing sensations who are secretly robots from other dimensions. Shit, I think that has already started, does garlic work on Justin Bieber?

Tags: angel, band, blade, buffy, cheese, CW, eric, Film, hollywood, joss, joss whedon, justin bieber, kate beckinsale, lesbian vampire killers, let the right one in, spike, true blood, tv, twilight, underworld, vampire, vampire diaries, vampire weekend, van helsing

Vote NO for Resolutions

I received a bit of flack for my last post on ‘the lie that is Santa Clause’, mostly from my Mum, because she and others believe that I am too cynical. Now, a cynic would never admit to being cynical, they would say they were pragmatic or a realist, so I couldn’t agree with them on that, so pragmatics join me, and vote NO to New Years Eve Resolutions.

I could start by pointing out the irony in many of the popular resolutions made and those who make them but I fucking hate the word ‘irony’, every man and his barking dog uses that word, “oh look that new place the Smith’s built just burned down, how ironic” its not ironic at all you fucking idiot, it’s tragic and sad and a terrible freakin accident. Alanis Morissete has a lot to answer for, she managed to fool everyone and after winning a godzillion awards for that one album she disappeared off the musical landscape, how ironic.

There are three main types of resolutions made on New Years Eve. Type 1 involves money, type 2 involves food (or lack of), and type 3 involves alcohol. They are all made at a time when the person is splurging on one of those types, or all of them. “I’m going to save more money”, what he says after paying $150 just to walk in the door on NYE at his local pub that on any other night is free. “I’m going to diet this year”, while she munches on deep fried cocktail food being served around at below room temperature. And finally resolution type 3, alcohol, or more to the point, giving up on alcohol. So at 6pm you declare you’re giving up the ‘drink’ in the new year, for a select period of time of course, and then by 1am you can’t even remember your girlfriend’s name or see the wall in front of you. Resolutions always begin on the 2nd of January you see, and are usually finished by the 4th. Why does it take the biggest over-hyped night of the year for people to make promises to themselves to treat their own bodies with more respect? Or their bank balance? Why not make a resolution to yourself in March, or July, or October? Its like people decide they must enter the following year with a plan of attack, a plan to change, but its only 1 night, it’s just the change of a calendar year, the Chinese even have their own. Earth just keeps rotating whether you decide to cut back your KFC intake or not. It’s the same deal as when the day after your birthday some douchebag asks you whether you ‘feel older’, no dickhead I feel the same way as yesterday but now I got a silver freakin watch on my wrist.

So the point of all of this is that I’d like to stop the New Years Eve Resolution making, just stop it. We all know come the end of the week you’ll be joking with your friends about how you resolved to stop drinking and wow-we, look at you you’re drinking. It’s almost like a game where you can challenge your friends as to how many days you can keep your resolution, and everybody loses. I decided not to make a resolution at all, which now that I think about it, is actually a resolution, I made a resolution to not make a resolution, but my resolution is one that I can keep. Isn’t it ironic? No it isn’t.

Tags: Alcohol, cynic, diet, drinking, food, ironic, irony, new years eve, nye, resolutions

The Great Big Lie

One of the first lessons we aim to teach our children is to tell the truth. We are born naturally honest, ask a 10-year-old a question and you’ll get a more honest answer than from someone in their 30′s. They tell the truth about everything and call it as they see it, it’s only as they grow up do they learn to lie and this learning process starts with the greatest childhood lie of all: Santa. I know your first reaction will be anger, you may even stop reading this blog piece but hear me out. Santa is like a great big game us adults play on kids and the easily influenced, it’s a worldwide coordinated lie fueled by books, movies, food, cards, religion, and even the local postal service. So let’s get this story straight, a fat man with an oversized beard and gut, white crazy hair, in a red suit, rides on a snow sleigh (because naturally he’s from the ‘north pole’) which is pulled by reindeer that can fly and one which looks to have a permanent pimple on its nose. If that’s not enough crazy talk, Santa flies around the world on one particular night sliding down chimney’s, half eating a plate of food, keeping up his diary intake with a sip of milk, and leaves behind wrapped presents for any children residing in the place that he has literally just broken into. That is incredible. Surely with all that physical activity  he should have at least shed some pounds by now? The story is so crazy that children naturally come to the conclusion that it’s too crazy to have been made up and thus it must be real and here the lie starts.

Do you remember when you discovered the truth? You’re either the first kid or the last one, and if you’re the first you’re a party pooper and if you’re the last kid then you’re a little slow. How did it feel? Devastating. It’s like your whole world comes crashing down. The very people you look to for guidance and lessons on how to be a good person have been lying to you since day one about where your ‘made in china’ toys come from. The problem with lying is that one lie always leads to another and another, it’s like a cascade of lies that will only ever end with a truthful confession. “Dad, why doesn’t Santa write back to my letters?” “He’s very busy” “How do the toys get made” “Well the little elfs make them in their toy factory” “Mum, how does Santa fit down the chimney? “Ask your father” “Mum, did you really see Santa in the sky?” “Yes of course I did, now go to bed” “Dad, why does Santa now like drinking beer instead of milk?” “So Santa can put up with your mother -actually, go to bed and don’t ask questions”.

All these lies keep going until an impossible back story has been created that you’ll eventually trip up on and then you’ll have to lie again to cover your mistake, and all this while asking your children to tell the truth about who punched the neighbour’s kid. Even more horrible is the example Santa sets for equality and fairness in the world. Santa is a true capitalist, he rewards the rich kids with more presents, and doesn’t bother with the poor ones or anyone living in Africa. I’m sure everyone when they were young has had that moment where after running out onto the street to compare presents with the others, you realise the kid next door got a way better bike than you and it’s left you thinking that maybe Santa loves him more and that you’re not as special. Santa also outsources his toy making to China and India which puts all the elf’s out of work (what are the jockey’s of this world going to do in the off-season?), and then uses an army of posers to invade shopping centres and juggle kids on their knees. He then goes on to sing a chorus ‘Ho Ho Ho’ which he learnt one drunken Saturday night when Mrs Clause was out, AND Santa doesn’t even believe in eating healthy or else why would he continue to be so overweight? He is a terrible role model, and not the kind of person you want handing out gifts to your children. Have you not seen the film Bad Santa?

After reading some of my points, and considering the importance of raising our children with values of truth and honesty, how can we possibly continue to carry on with this great big lie?

Merry Christmas.

Tags: christmas, father christmas, lie, lying, santa, santa claus, say no to santa, xmas

Albums that define me

It’s hard to define yourself as any one thing, humans by nature are hypocritical and their behaviour often does not reflect their beliefs nor the words that they speak. I’ve been asked many times to try to explain, or describe myself. Guys and girls have told me that I’m difficult to work out, sometimes I take that as a compliment. How do you define yourself? Instead of writing some self-important bio that sells all my good traits in a short paragraph, I thought about the CD album’s that I relate to the most, the album’s that when I hear them everything I feel, believe, and think are summed up in the music and words.

For me, there are a few  albums that I could listen to on repeat every day of the year, they are the albums and songs that strike at the core of who I am and how I feel, it’s the albums that put my emotions and beliefs into words and arrangements, and that if anyone ever asked me to define who I am, I should hand them the following albums and say listen. These are the albums that I relate to the most, the ones that speak for me, and the ones that have defined certain times in my life. I haven’t filtered them to look cool or hip or anything snobby like that, they are what they are.

Jimmy Eat World: Futures

More than any other album, Futures affects me like no other. It’s like Jimmy Eat World reached deep down inside of my soul in my early 20′s and pulled these songs out from there. I regard Futures as one of my favourite albums of all time and it’s criminal it wasn’t embraced by the public as much as it should have been, or was tucked away into the ‘emo’ section of CD stores never to be discovered. The songs ‘Polaris’ and ’23′ are the highlights for me, they are the songs that I hear in my head. I dare anyone to put aside their bias and the limitations of classifying Jimmy as ‘emo’ and listen to these songs without having an immediate flashback to the angst of their teen years and early 20′s, and plus, it’s just a really great listen.

John Mayer: Room for Squares

This album is pretty special, it’s a rarity that you’ll find songs and lyrics that are spoken so honestly and tell stories in the so-called commercial music world. John sings from the heart, he tells it as it is, and shares all the innocence and navity of first time experiences. John says and does things that I say and do too, except he can sing them, whereas I sound like a drowning cat if I do. John Mayer is an arrogant womanizer, but he wears his heart on his sleeve and bares his soul for all to tread on and I guess that’s how I’ve lived parts of my life too. Have a listen to ‘City Love’, and my personal favourites ’3×5′ and ‘Back to You’.

Motor Ace: Animal

Motor Ace ended their time as a band after this album, shame because it’s an incredible listen, one that saw them mature and try a totally different sound, one that filled the spaces in between and soared to new levels. I could listen to opening track ‘Want You’ over and over again, it reminds me of the best kind of summer holiday romances. Take a listen to ‘Ordinary Day’ and ‘No Place To Go’, the band sounds so in harmony, shame they weren’t outside of the studio.

Robbie Williams: The Ego Has Landed

No other artist can ooze smooth, cool, and then also lay his feelings out to bear like Robbie Williams can, and this album does it better than any other. I relate to Robbie so well, much the same as John Mayer, one minute I’m as cocky as a stage-man like he is, and the next I’m a confused emotional mess like he is too, and that’s how this album goes, swinging from arrogance to despair, from confidence to just wanting to be accepted. Future albums of his go a bit too commercial, but this album is an incredible listen, especially ‘Lazy Days’, ‘Angels’, ‘Win Some Loose Some’, and ‘She’s the One’.

Something For Kate: Echolalia

This album requires so many listens to fully grasp the complexity of it all, but every listen rewards with something new. Some songs resonate with you so well that it plucks at something so deep you didn’t realise it was there, and that’s what ‘Monsters’ and ‘Three Dimensions’ do for me. Monsters gives me goose bumps, literally, and Paul’s (lead singer) voice wavers in the air for moments after the song has finished. Amazing work.

Craig David: Born to Do It

Moving onto something a little more fun, Craig was cool when this album was released. He had the right amount of street cred, smoothness, charm, and bad boy antics that made everyone want to be like him. More importantly, each song on this album told a story, it was about something or someone, and it felt like he had lived the stories he sung about. There’s a painful honesty in ‘Walking Away’ that is so much more than just a commercial ballad. Shame his future albums were nothing like this one.

Jamiroquai: A Funk Odyssey

This isn’t my favourite Jamiorquai album, but it’s the one that introduced me to the ‘Man in the Hat’, and thank-you for that because I now own every album of his and if I want to listen to something that makes me feel like opening the sunroof and driving down a coastal highway this is it. The perfect summer album, and Jay Kay’s ultra smooth Stevie Wonder like voice is so good to listen to. Highlights include ‘Love Foolosophy’ and ‘Main Vein’.

After this semi-confessional, it’s time to turn back to having a drink…and to put some music on.

Tags: a funk odyssey, albums, animal, bleed american, born to do it, cd, craig david, david gray, echolalia, futures, jamiroquai, jimmy eat world, john mayer, motor ace, music, robbie williams, room for squares, something for kate, songs, the ego has landed, tracks, white ladder

It’s OK, You’re Hot

It’s amazing how attractive people get away with so much. Things we wouldn’t forgive in a regular average looking person, we’re happy to overlook or brush aside because the person is hot looking. You ran over my dog? That’s ok, you’re hot, and Freddie always barked too much anyway, you keep on driving and have a good day. Your name is Oceanside Tree? That might be the most ridiculous name I’ve ever heard, but I like it now because you’re hot, maybe I’ll name my future child after you.

This phenomenon is so widespread it’s impossible to avoid. Ugliness is like a disability, it should be listed under  antidiscrimination laws (cannot discriminate against unfortunate looking people). You see it all the time, especially in retail and hospitality employment: the boss interviews one person who has 5 pages worth of experience, and then interviews the next person who possibly can’t spell their own name but they are so god damn good-looking that hey presto, they get the job. The evil people in cosmetic surgery should set up camp outside of job interviews, “sorry hunny you didn’t get the position, it’s not that you weren’t right for it, it’s just that your face makes people want to cower and run, so here is our pamphlet on how to change your screw-up face into something, well, less horrid”.

One glaring example of this cultural condition is entry to nightclubs. If you’re hot you basically have the red carpet laid out for you when you arrive. Oh so there’s 800 people waiting in line, don’t worry about it, come right in. Police fall victim to it too, they pull some lady over who was doing 110km per hour in a 40 zone, took out three street signs and a street side souvlaki vender but when they reach the driver with their guns raised, it’s all ok, she’s hot, don’t worry about it, that souvlaki vender was shit anyway.

It’s like dating someone who is stunning, and the little things that usually would annoy the crap through you, suddenly seem totally forgivable because your partner is so hot to look at. Ok so her personality is more plain than a blank piece of paper, but I’m kinda speechless when she takes her clothes off, and people that IS the important part here.

It’s human nature to be attracted to things that you find attractive (well, obviously), so we can blame nature when the bus crashes and we help the hot chick out of the burning wreckage and leave the ugly one fighting her own way out.  I can’t help it, my cultural conditioning forces me to do it. Imagine if beggars were hot, they would end up millionaires: ok so you stink like a dead possum, your eyes are as glazed over as Lindsay Lohan’s on a good day, and you’re sitting in the middle of the footpath but you’re shit hot, here’s my wallet and credit card. At least then they could afford deodorant.

Tags: attractive, beautiful, female, hospitality, hot, male, nightclub, police, retail, superficial, ugly