I walked out of Transformers 2 in a bit of a daze, almost like running a marathon on a treadmill, it’s tiring but you never really get anywhere. The same goes for the film, what a mess. I don’t think there was one prop left in the film that wasn’t blown up. And holy crap, the running length of the film is like 2.5 hours (actual time is 2hrs 20mins), but feels like more about 10 hours. I liked Transformers 1, it was cool, it had a good mix of action, effects and characterisation. Transformers 2 is all action and effects, there is no time spent on developing the human characters or the transformers themselves, unlike in the first one where we learnt about the individual transformers and the people, this time round I didn’t know who anyone was, and as there was no time spent on any of the characters I didn’t care what happened to them. The plot of T2 (for short) is never full explained or fleshed out, basically the last piece of the cube from the first film imprints the location of another source of energy for the transformers, hidden over 17,000 years ago, onto Sam’s (Shia Labeouf) brain. Sam’s brain now has the location to The Matrix, a key that can activate a machine that was built all those years ago and that sucks the life out of the sun in exchange for power (thus destroying life on Earth of course). Sam must lead the way, teaming up with the kooky ex-Sector 7 guy from the first film, and also dragging his girlfriend Michaela (Megan Fox) along for the ride, to find it first before the evil Decepticons can use it. Megan Fox is hot, let’s just get that out there, the camera basically has sex with her, gliding up and down her body at every opportunity like an old pervert man’s eyes. Apart from looking hot, she actually serves no real purpose, and does nothing but run around in slow mo. There is this really annoying subplot of Sam and Michaela trying to get each other to say “I Love You” first, I’m sorry but when you’re in the middle of a warzone between U.S soldiers and giant robots and the fate of the world is at sake, who GIVES a flying fuck who says I love you first, shut the hell up and run!! I would have punched her in the face.
The first hour is filled with useless scenes, and some really cheesy humour (peaking with the 3 scenes too long sequence where Sam’s mother accidentally gets high when Sam is moving into his new college), and what’s with all the silly leg humping? Dogs humping each other, and then a small transformer does it, I’m really not sure there. Then the last sequence (the climax) is about an hour long, where Sam and Michaela have to run across three miles of Egyptian desert (I would have thought that villages near the pyramids would be more advanced than mere cave dwellings, but what would I know). It’s a draining sequence that never lets up, and throws so many explosions at you that the audience never fully grasps who’s fighting, who’s losing, or what the hell is going on (although, some of it looks cool).
Michael Bay (director) obviously has a real fetish and obsession with the American Military and American ultra-patriotism (I counted 2 scenes of American flag crushing for example). As a non-American, I find it offensive when Optimus Prime (leader of the good guys) says that if the American President says they must leave the planet, they would. Sorry dude, the U.S doesn’t speak for the whole planet, and in case you have forgotten Michael Bay, there is such a thing as the United Nations! The Americanism in this film is terrible, and borders on racism. While fighting in Egypt, the Americans don’t get ANY help from any of the regional armies, and then when the ‘Jordoinians’ arrive to assist, all they send is 2 helicopters which are both shot down in an instant (pretty sure Jordan’s military is a little bigger than that). Where was the Egyptians? And please can someone explain to me how the U.S can deploy basically a small army within 5 minutes to the other side of the world? This small army coming out of nowhere includes rocket launchers, helicopters, tanks, fighter jets, naval destroyers. I really believe that the U.S military may have paid Michael Bay to show off their shit, or that George Bush got in Bay’s ear and whispered “Shock and Awe, it worked in Iraq”. Every scene is peppered with military gear, from submarines, jets, aircraft carriers, tanks and weapons not-yet invented. A navy destroyer uses a massive gun that destroys the biggest evil transformer there is from a very long distance (not sure of the physics there but all well), it’s cool, but why stop there?! Why wouldn’t they use that weapon against the machine that is about to destroy our sun?!
There are plenty of WTF moments too, the transformers heaven (wtf??), Isabelle Lucas as a transformer that looks like a robotic version of the chick from Species (wtf?? -extra wtf for the killer tongue), the ‘testicles’ on one of transformers (wtf?!), and the evil transformer from last time as an apprentice to his even evil-er master The Fallen (a really bad wtf moment that played out like a cheesy Star Wars/Alien rip off -I was waiting for The Fallen to say ‘Decepticon, I am your father’). Regarding Isabelle Lucas, her character is another example of lazy and poor storytelling, a transformer that can look like a human is a BIG deal, but she’s never mentioned or referred to again.
I can liken T2 to say someone like Paris Hilton (or someone better looking), she’s all flashy and looks good, but has zero substance or depth. The film is too long, too over the top, too racist and offensive (if you listen to the two transformers that accompany Sam to Egypt, they swear quite a lot, and sound like cliche black rappers. I’m shocked this movie is suggested to kids, the shot of the tail coming out of Isabelle Lucas’ ass region is not kid friendly), too over produced, too stupid, too cheesy (the humour is terrible), and did I mention TOO FREAKIN LONG! A recent review I read said that Transformers 2 didn’t try enough, and Terminator Salvation tried too much. I have to agree, but with one thing to add, Megan Fox is god damn hot.
2.5 out of 5.
- foxy
